Snovden Speaks Out On Washington Election Certification Debacle


In a trim-your-authorities ombudsman call-in session on an Ecuadorian mountaintop county radio station, NSA backwater dropout Edvard Snovden finally broke the silence ...

In a trim-your-authorities ombudsman call-in session on an Ecuadorian mountaintop county radio station, NSA backwater dropout Edvard Snovden finally broke the silence on the machinations behind Washington‘s current government crisis and came out with a conclusive record on the events around the disputed 2016 ballot.

Since the jet-setter is currently applying for a stay in Ecuador, he used a portfolio opportunity to prove local language skills to share his views; this mailing covers the most significant excerpts.

„In the beginning there was the order going from NSA to FBI to get into their cars, drive in front of the homes of Democratic candidates, and wait there for further orders. The perfectly normal everyday procedure of a terror alarm, which provides this giant uniform zoo where the doors roll over your belly every hour and the combustion engines are roaring hard to nail their coffins. The servicemen at this point were not informed whether they were involved with suspects or with respectables, as was argued in the commands as a checks and balances benchmark, but it turned out to be an uneven load.“

„There was little information, but the FBI leadership was briefed on the condition of non-disclosure that other services had received a warning from the Erdogan regime that seventy-two terror-listed individuals had entered Unitedstates territory through a border administration loophole resulting from incompetent diplomatic deconstruction of the outcome of the Spanish-American war, which inter-state insiders know as Cap Rodriguo. Its boss had little choice than to let the doors roll without telling anyone why. And then the missing letters to fill into the incompletent order never arrived.”

“NSA had speculated that the election was on the hinge, and once Trump could not stand the uncertainty any longer, he would give up his resistance to the establishment and wave a hand or at least a finger into the direction of the first agents signifying they might crack down on the opponent in his name and thereby define the cultural lead motive of his presidency-to-be. But as everyone knows, Trump was much further ahead of Clinton than NSA had speculated, and did not even consider to weigh the eventuality of a possible attraction in a temptation of this configuration.”

“Had NSA set in motion FBI a little bit later, maybe they would not have spoiled their own election. But instead of Trump being seduced Democrats were intimidated, resulting in a lower outcome for their share in the vote, which may or may not have been the cause for Trumps disinterest in the unfair offer. NSA accounted for every tiny little possibility, except that FBI leadership would obey on the foot and terrorise Democrats way ahead the estimated time NSA had expected FBI to take to digest the administrative humiliation. This is true irony. ”

“In a desperate last-ditch effort NSA has shot itself into the foot with FBI as a spineless witness. Whereas desperate is meant like with the bus bombers, not so much desperation as an individual or a citizen but desperation as a strategist respectively tactician. If you polish up their logic, it says they did not believe that Trump would believe them, so they chose a bureaucratic trick which then – boomerang, boomerang! – turned into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Had they just been leaning back against their alleged belief in democracy as a state ideology Trump likely would have failed.”

“But let’s not be patting what the ancient Chinese Master called the Art of Doing Nothing. Do Nothing at the appropriate point for doing nothing, and the people are going to flourish by themselves. Confucius, Ashram Workarounds, verse onehundredthirtyfive. Victory through superior self-confidence. Instead of pushing around the other sprockets in the so-called checks and balances, in translation this means they should turn to their own religious leaders and tell them. But the one thing Obama cannot achieve is preaching beyond the choir. As a surrogate, he piles up blaming the Russians even after the Chinese began laughing.”

“The latest highlight in Beijing are the detective videos leaked by a Chinese-American restaurant near one of the besieged candidate’s family homes, which show cops standing in line with regular customers for the restrooms. Global Times and some Hongkong bloggers currently are busy with captioning contests on the motto of How to spoil your own election. When a cop comes in for an unofficial need, customers seem to think there was a terrorist on the toilet or in the streets or at a neighbouring house, depending on their respective voting habits.”

“You see, the only good thing to such orders is that they make exit polls obsolete. Just like an official wrap in the shop door makes searching for products obsolete. By the way, check the webcams for Quito tram turning loops, that makes the footage I described above obsolete. What matters much more is that in this election of 2016 one branch of Unitedstates government rode another one thereof like a donkey. And the big donkey sang its siren sound, and the little donkeys were not confident and stepped into the water. Eh-ah.”

“So here you have the skewed Obama logic: America shot itself into the foot because someone did nothing. Russia did nothing. Hence Russia must be the scapegoat. What the heck. The stork came along, the stork brought the child. If FBI worked that way they would be so busy drinking reconciliation beers all day that they could not drive back their cars to their command posts since you would see the wavy lines. Yes you can see Obama’s wavy lines now. He tries to talk himself out of his failure to capture the Managua election.”

“The question is not who is guilty because there is no external guilt. Neither is it who did nothing when this was the perfect choice to do. The question is, who softened up NSA accordingly for this scientific breakthrough to happen. Well, if you like to believe it was Putin, then you can believe anything about Putin, including that he smokes pot on on Poroshenko’s veranda when the homeowner is at the office, parachuting from a military jet loaded with a herd of cows and then returning to his cockpit with a backpack missile. The latter is of course only a caricature circulating in India.”

“Who softened up NSA? I tell you it is someone who does not believe in prisons. Someone who is well aware that America has a prison problem that makes it inferior, confused and excited. Per capita prison capacity has a meaning just like per capita income has a meaning with respect to the ranking of a nation among others. The only way into the direction of ‘Great Again’ is the total abolition of prison. Why this? Certainly someone wants to make Trump feel about prisons like Bush felt about alcohol.”

“Had Clinton been leading the winning bets it might have come the other way around, and FBI would have driven their vehicles to Republican homes, offering the other candidate an opportunity to fill up an unsustainable archipelago of tinpot bureaucrats with criminalistically innocent political opponents for the sake of feeding NSA jobs. NSA’s failed Trump policy is little more than its Clinton policy repackaged in a wolf’s skin. Yet this animal scared the Democrats so much that it effected nothing else.”

“My great grandfather buried his service uniform and sought a fresh start after he was one of a few who had remained in a repair dock as the warship of his unit took a Yasukuni torpedo. I am ready to go to London and escort Assange from the embassy to the air plane and remain in the transit area until it has left British airspace, but only if these who asked Assange for forgiveness will forgive Chelsea Manning first. However, if you cannot yet forgive Che, go ask Hunter Thompson and Gary Webb to forgive you first.”


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